Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
