dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
