I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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