I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
