I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
