You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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