Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
