Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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