I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
