at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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