I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
