I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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