Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
