Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
