Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
