so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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