Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
