my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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