I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
