I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
