I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
