a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I would fuck him just for his dog
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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