I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
