he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
