You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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