Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
