The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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