I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
