Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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