I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
