i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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