Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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