I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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