I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
