I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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