You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
