I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
