every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
