Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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