Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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