So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
