She is in my trunk
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
