And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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