im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
