the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
