I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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