I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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