Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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