I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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