I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
