life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
