My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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