My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
