Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
