you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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