Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
