No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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