I could make wine with my vomit
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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